Faith is a Verb

A little over a month ago, I mentioned in a post that I think of faith as a verb, actually I used the word "faithing"(as I type this, my computer's spell check is reminding me that I made this word up). Tonight, I had a bit of an epiphany about this that I would like to share.

The last couple weeks have been tough on me for a variety of reasons, most of which have come to a head in the last 48 hours. I was having an especially rough evening, and tried several different things to take my mind off of my problems, with only temporary success. When it was time to go to bed, I could not quiet my head long enough to function through my bedtime routine. Out of options, I finally decided to pray (I realize this should not be a last resort, but sometimes troubles block out rationality).

When I pray, I use a journal so 1) I don't feel crazy talking out loud and 2) I have a written record of what God has done in my life. I started asking God to take away my anxieties and then began listing all of them one-by-one, so as to get them all out of my head. Listing anxieties and stresses turned into admitting deep fears and shedding a few tears. I thought God and I had had a good talk, and I was a little frustrated that I didn't feel any better than when i started. What I was about to realize was that God hadn't said anything yet, I just talked at him and expected miracles to rain down.

As I was crying and beginning to feel sorry for myself, something really cool happened. I remembered a story my boss told me today. Chris (my boss) and her husband were trying to sell a house years ago and were stressed and worried about it. Her neighbor at the time, who she described as a strong, faithful woman told her to thank God in advance for the things He would do and have enough faith to say thanks, knowing he would provide. Chris went on to tell me that they tried this and sold their house almost immediately. I felt God's leading to do this, so I began thanking God for His peace. I thanked Him for his provision, and I thanked Him for the wisdom He would give me to discern the right choices. I thanked Him for giving me hope and a future.

I IMMEDIATELY felt peace about everything. But it was not because of something I had. It was because of something I did. Yes, faith is something you can have, like having hope or having love. But it is something that you do. You can love, and you can hope, and you can faith. Faith isn't a possession or a skill. Faith is an action or a series of actions that proves your faith. Like love. And like hope. In the English language we use faith as a noun, but it is SO much more. I don't believe that God intended faith to be as passive as we make it sound sometimes. There are countless times in the Bible people prove their faith by acting, by doing, by going. It is an action. Check this out: excerpts from Hebrews 11
"Faith is the confidence that what we hope for will actually happen; it gives us assurance about things we cannot see"
"By faith we understand..."
"It was by faith that Abel brought..."
"It was by faith that Enoch was taken..."
"It was by faith that Noah built..."
"It was by faith that Abraham obeyed..."

Everytime faith is described, it is described as an action, as a verb. Even more, it is not just one action. Every action in this passage is a different facet of faith. I find this to be incredible. People always say, "just have faith", but I have never bought into that because somewhere in my soul, I knew there had to be more to it than that. Read Hebrews 11 and see what I mean.

So, don't be surprised if in the future I use faith as a verb in my posts. :)

Searching For My Inner Princess

This morning I woke up and realized that I have felt a little off-kilter for days, possibly weeks. I felt a subtle but constant irritability, maybe even a little anger. I was not angry at anyone or anything in particular, but everything seemed to be rubbing me the wrong way. It could have been this weird dream I had last night that bothered me, but for some reason this morning I was acutely aware of this bitter feeling. I was trying to figure out what brought it on, and in the meantime was singing, as I often do, while I was packing my lunch. I was singing "Fairytale" by Sara Bareilles, which is a song rejecting the fairytale mentality and about the reality of "happily ever after" being a myth. The lyrics are cute, and describe what happens to some of our favorite fairytale princesses. One of my favorite lines: "Snow White is doing dishes again, but what else could you do with seven itty-bitty men? Puts them to bed and she calls up a friend, says 'Could you meet me at midnight?'"

This, coupled with my attitude (among other things), led me to believe that I had somehow gotten a little bitter, and I was reminded that I had a book on my bookshelf that I had never read, titled "Keeping a Princess Heart in a Not-So-Fairytale World". I decided to take it to work and start reading on my lunch break.

Basically, the author (Nicole Johnson) writes about how fairytales can actually give powerful glimpses into the deepest desires of a womans heart: the desire to be known, the desire to be loved, and the desire to know that all will be well. A quote from the book "Living in this not-so-fairytale world, you are torn between everything you longed for and everything you live with. You wonder how your heart will survive, because what you have isn't even close to what you hoped for. Hang on! Real hope is found in the tension between the two- an invisible kingdom. This place is where you discover the true heart of a princess- one full of dreams, wonder, delight and joy. And you learn to keep it alive, even in the midst of this crazy, disapointing, hard-to-understand world....You are recognized by the King, loved by the Prince, and promised the happiest "happily ever after"of all times right in the middle of this not-so-fairytale world."

This love story is mine. I am already loved by my Prince. My Father is the King of Kings and knows me and my worth to his kingdom. With some work, I can find my Princess heart and keep it alive even as life is crazy.

Goodbye 2008, Welcome 2009!

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!! This is looking like it may be my last post of 2008, so i kinda wanted to reminisce about my year. It has been a very trying year for me, but it has also been rather victorious. I lost my job in early January, and have had six jobs this year. In 2008 alone I have been a banker, a waitress/server, a nanny, a barista twice, and a shoe saleswoman. I have held two jobs at a time all year. I was my little sister's Maid of Honor (which almost killed me), and I turned 25 in July (also almost killed me). I have lost friends and I have gained friends. I have lived three different places this year and pushed my "move count" to 10 times.

As chaotic as that sounds, God has done some amazing things in my life this year, despite my circumstances. About a week before I lost my job, I was given the opportunity to enroll in Financial Peace University at my church. After a year of struggle and setbacks, I am now debt-free. When my roommates decided to move out, God provided me a place to stay and get back on my feet financially. He gave me multiple opportunities to work on my personal and family issues, and healed me of my clinical depression. Our relationship this year is stronger than it has ever been. I actually filled up my prayer journal this year, for the first time in my life. God has comforted me as I have wondered about and struggled with my future and His plan for it. He has developed in me a stronger sense of who I am, and is teaching me who He is. He has taught me about relationships and how to develop BOUNDARIES (thank you Jesus!!!). I learned how to say no, and when to say yes. He has given me everything that I needed, physically, emotionally, spiritually, mentally, and relationally.

Yet, with all this, He continues to grow and develop me, even as I type this. With each sentence, I am reminded of God's goodness and provision, and am reminded to keep on "faithing" (this is a word I made up, because I think faith should be a verb- it is not something you have, but something you do-but that is a post for another day). He will continue to develop me, especially as He prepares and sends me to Nairobi next summer.

The preceding was the condensed version of my testimony for 2008. The moral of my story: Even though things look messed up and crazy on the outside, I can always trust that God is doing something big on the inside.

Happy New Year!!

I can't think of a better way to start this post than by just getting straight to the point. I am ELATED to announce that I am entirely DEBT-FREE!!! Also, I am MOVING!!! And going on a short term mission trip to KENYA!!! I have spent the entire fall completely focused on finding a steady job and paying off my debt so that I could meet some financial goals. I have been praying HARD about all of these things, and God is so faithful! My first month of more-than-full-time employment allowed me to pay off the remainder of my debt, on Thanksgiving, no less. My next goal was to move out on my own again. The opportunity presented itself a mere two days after I wrote my last debt check. My move-in day is December 15th!! It seems as though it happened fast, but it was months of sometimes painful diligence and discipline that just culminated quickly. This diligence and discipline was, in part, spurred on by a desire to go on a mission trip to Africa next June. The thing that I think is so cool is that God's timing was FASTER than mine...I am starting to like that.

It will be fun to see what happens next.

I Was Thinkng...

I want to preface this post by saying that I am in an interesting state of mind, thinking too much, combined with the effects of too much sugar after "dessert night" in French Cuisine class.

Tonight I was thinking....and then I realized how cool it is to be able to think.

I laughed out loud several times tonight in response to a thought that i had. When asked what I was laughing at, I evoked my right to keep my thoughts, however entertaining, to myself. It was at that moment that i realized that the ability to think is a gift from God.

Thinking cannot be taxed. Thinking cannot be oppressed. Thinking priveledges cannot be revoked.

Thinking is the means by which all beautiful things begin. By thinking we create, organize, plan, and dream. Anything you can see, touch, taste, or hear began with a thought. God himself thought, and then spoke, the world into existence.

Thinking is also the means by which everything horrid, ugly and vile begins. By thinking we destroy, ruin, undermine, and hinder. By our very nature we think awful things. Against ourselves, and against others. We think "too much" and talk ourselves out of relationships, jobs, and doing the things we want to do.

It also amazes me how both connected and disconnected thinking and feeling are. On one hand, it is a known fact that what is in a person's head (thoughts) reflect what is in their heart (emotions). But at the same time, I can know something in my head, and I can know something in my heart, and the two are not necessarily connected. I am baffled by this.

We often change our minds, but rarely admit to changing our hearts.

I am an emotional person, by nature, and I find it interesting how my emotions are affected by my thoughts. As I think about something, my emotions toward that thing changes. We tend to call this "processing" something. Some thing that may make me angry immediately, may not have the same effect after I have thought through it for a while. In the same way, something may also emotionally affect me more, as I think on it more. A good example of the latter is Africa. The more I think about injustice and poverty, the more my passion to do something about it grows. Fear is another example of this for me. If I am afraid, mulling it over in my head only makes it worse.

Thinking is SO powerful, and the only one who can control the thoughts is the thinker of them.

New thought: I wonder if God has the power to control our thoughts? I guess He would, since He is all-powerful. Which, I guess makes Him all the more incredible. That he has the power, yet refrains from using it. Actually, He asks us to take captive every thought and make it submit to the Lord. This may be the hardest thing He asks us to do. There is little else, if anything asked of us that is so private. There is little accountability here. No one can call you out on every wrong thought you have.

Well, it appears that I have begun typing out my thought processes, instead of filtering them, which means that I need to put my tired, over-stimulated mind to bed. I'll end with a final thought.

God is amazing. I am even further amazed at the gift of thought. God gives it to us, and is the only one who truly knows what we think. However, He is not the only one who sees what we do with our thoughts, because our thoughts turn into our actions.

A Journey Begins

Today I started a new full time job at Naturalizer shoes in the mall. Beyond the obvious reasons that it is good for me to have this job, it is also opening a couple new doors for me. I am very seriously considering a missions opportunity for next summer. Of course, as always, my plans are dependent upon God's plan, but I am confident that I am moving in and under His direction. Also, I will be debt-free by the end of the year. There is a lot of very hard work ahead of me, and virtually no free time, but the payoff will be worth it. I will get the chance to make a difference in my own life, but more importantly, in the lives of others.

Stay tuned as I begin this new chapter....

Wall Street Panic, Election Coverage, Government Bailouts, and Zimbabwe

Apparently, I have missed something. I spent the last month ignoring the world, spending time with a couple friends, and when I came back to reality, the world had gone crazy. Which leads me to ask, what happened? And why didn't anyone see this coming?

1. The Election

This is mostly me not paying attention. And general boredom with the whole campaign process. I'm sure it has been this way forever, but why can't everyone just be nice? I was reading (I use this term VERY loosely) the Opinion column in my local newspaper tonight, and it just seems like everyone is so angry. Not only does everyone have a strong opinion, but they think that everyone else cares what theirs is, or that they can change someone else's opinion by sharing. And everyone says that everyone else is misinformed. Maybe I should write to the paper and tell all those people my opinion...I'm not misinformed, mister, I just have different information. :)

2.Government Bailouts

Really? Is this for real? I have a million comments on this, but this is all i am going to say:
If I had a lot of money, and I lent it to people who did not pay it back, I should have been more careful with my resources. The End.

3.Wall Street all freaking out

I think the media is making a bigger deal out of the economy that they need to be. When has the economy been good? When was the last time someone said "Under my plan, we would do nothing to the economy, because it is perfect."? I sure don't remember a time when this happened. As far as I know the economy has always left something to be desired. I think someone is just trying to get everybody in a worried panic.

4. Zimbabwe

Their inflation rate is 11.2 MILLION percent!!! HUH? Is that even possible? The U.S. inflation rate for August 2008 was 5.37% , which means there was a difference of 5.37% between the amount of dollars in circulation and the availability of goods and services. Meaning there was either too much money, not enough stuff, little demand for money, or high demand for stuff. This makes me wonder, what happened in Zimbabwe? The people who live there are starving because their money is worthless, and their government has two people fighting over who is in charge of what. That is absurd...and may also sound a little familiar...hmm.


I was having a conversation about the economy with some co-workers this week and one of them told me I was a socialist. I don't necessarily believe that, I think I am just a dreamer. I don't think it is fair that people have to live in poverty, while other people have more cars in their driveway than they have drivers in their house...and two boats. I'm not saying that people who work hard shouldn't enjoy what they worked hard for. I'm just saying that there are people who work hard and never get anywhere. And it makes me sad.

My heart cries out "This is all wrong!!!" I am in a fallen world and I feel it. I want to fix everything, change the world, every time I read a news story. I get all riled up and appalled at the injustice every time. In my heart I know that the world as it is must make God sad, and I want to do something about it.